I spent 25 days at my mother's house this past May. She is 82 and lives by herself, well not really by herself as she has a boat load of cats to keep her company. I went to help take care of things while she was in the hospital having surgery and afterwards. I didn't realize how long 25 days can be, especially when two grown women share the same house and they are mother and daughter.
Two years had gone by since my last visit home, and then I didn't stay with my mom, I stayed with my brother. It probably has been more than 40 years since I've slept at my parents house. So this was going to be a challenge for me. Why is it when you are under your parents roof, you revert back to being the child? There I was playing the role of the dutiful daughter. “Would you like me to do anything for you?” “Can I get you something to eat?” “Do you need anything from the store?” I was also fulfilling requests she made. “Can you make me a cup of coffee?” “Can you carry this for me?” “Can you vacuum the rug?” Vacuum the rug…that’s when it all changed.
Here’s how it went down. As I went to get the vacuum, my mom began giving instructions. “I plug it in over here.” “I put the cord on this side of the coffee table.” “Ok,” I said. As I was vacuuming, she continued to watch me and make comments. “Make sure you pick up the area rug and vacuum underneath.” “Use this brush to brush along the edges of the furniture.” “When the canister gets full, you’ll need to empty it in this bag and make sure you clean out the filter.” I was immediately transported back in time to when I was about 12 and Mom and I were cleaning the house on Saturdays. She would give me instructions on what to do and how to do it, which is ok when you’re 12 (even though I secretly hated it at the time). But wait!! I was a grown up now. I was also a mother for almost 40 years. Can my mom really tell me what to do now?? So I stopped vacuuming and said, “Mom, I’m 59 years old. I think I know how to vacuum a rug.” She finally walked away to do something else and the comments stopped. I felt a small victory had taken place and my 12 year old self had finally been avenged!!
After that, I found myself frequently shifting between the roles of mother and daughter. Here are some of the ways I “tried” to mother my mother.
“Mom, you stay up too late. You need to go to bed earlier. At your age you need your rest.”
“Mom, you get up too late. You shouldn’t stay up to watch late night reruns of Two and a Half Men and Everybody Loves Raymond. This is not good for you.”
“Mom, you shouldn’t eat breakfast at 11:30. You need to have more regular meal times. Eating breakfast late messes up lunch and dinner times.”
“Mom, you shouldn’t be eating that. You know it will upset your stomach.”
“Mom, you have too many cats to take care of. It would be easier on you if you got rid of some of them.”
“Mom, you need to watch how you spend your money. You know you’re on a fixed income.”
And just how did Mom respond to my mothering? Just like any teenager would, she either ignored me or gave me one word answers!! “Yeah, yeah.” or “So?” were the ones she used most often.
When the 25 days were over, we were still mother and daughter in good standing. Who was I kidding? It was going to take a lot longer than 25 days to change my mother’s way of doing things and alter her views on how she should live her life. Maybe if I had a little more time, another week, maybe another 25 days, perhaps then she would have seen it my way. Somehow I doubt it.
~ P
